The BMI Foundation Ellen Schwartz Award
For Outstanding Literary Merit In Lyric Writing
Ellen’s family has established an award to be presented by the BMI Foundation each year to a participant in BMI’s Lehman Engel Musical Theatre Workshop, honoring outstanding literary merit in lyric writing.
This Ellen Schwartz award is intended both to recognize the contribution that Ellen’s years of participation in the Workshop made to her own career, and to encourage high literary standards in lyric writing – like those Ellen’s own lyrics consistently reflected.
The Ellen Schwartz award will be announced by the BMI Foundation at the annual awards reception during the final session of the Workshop each year.
Fifth Award Recipient: MICHAEL OGBORN - June 2019
Please visit his website www.michaelogborn.com
"RASPUTIN AND THE RUSSIAN NUN"
From the musical "Cafe Puttanesca"
Music and Lyrics by Michael Ogborn
BARONESS
NOW IS TIME TO TELL THE STORY,
STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS ONE.
HEAR THE FATAL SAGA OF
RASPUTIN AND THE RUSSIAN NUN.
MARQUESA
RASPUTIN AND THE RUSSIAN NUN!
BARONESS
DEATH WAS NEVER AS SO BRUTAL,
NEVER SHOULD IT TAKE SO LONG.
NEVER DID IT QUITE EXPECT
TO FIND ITSELF DETAILED IN SONG.
MARQUESA
NOW WE GET TO SING ALONG!
BARONESS
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
ALEXANDRA WAS A MESS.
SHE LET RASPUTIN LIVE WITH THEM
TO EASE HER SON’S DISTRESS.
WHILE NICKY FOUGHT THE GERMANS
WITH A RUSTY BAYONET,
RASPUTIN WOULD LIE BLEEDING
BUT HE’S NOT BLED YET!
NYET, NYET, NYET, NYET!
Enter Prince Felix, Tsar Nicholas’ cousin. Completely homosexual.
RASPUTIN GETS AN INVITATION-
MARQUESA
“FATHER WON’T YOU COME TO DINE
POTS OF FOOD AND FANCY DANCIN’
LOTS OF WOMEN, LOTS OF WINE”
BARONESS & MARQUESA
WOMEN, FOOD AND LOTS OF WINE!
MARQUESA
“I WILL SEND MY MOTOR OVER
TO THE PALACE ROMANOV
BE PREPARED TO FILL YOUR BELLY
YOURS, SINCERELY, YUSUPOV.”
BARONESS & MARQUESA
SIGNED PRINCE FELIX YUSUPOV!
BARONESS
PRINCE FELIX AND RASPUTIN
NEVER WERE THE BEST OF FRIENDS,
BUT YUSUPOV CONVINCED HIM
IT WAS TIME TO MAKE AMENDS.
TOGETHER THEY WOULD RAISE A GLASS,
TOGETHER THEY’D FORGET,
WHILE THE SUN SET OVER RUSSIA
BUT IT’S NOT SET YET.
MARQUESA
NOT SET YET?
BARONESS
FOR HE’S NOT DEAD YET
HE’S GOT MINUTES-
HE’S GOT HOURS-
HE’S GOT GLASSES FULL OF STOLI
STILL TO SWA-A-AL-LOW
NO, HE’S NOT DEAD YET
AND HE HASN’T GOT A NOTION
OF THE CARNAGE AND COMMOTION
THAT WILL FA-AH-AH-LOW.
AS HE STARTS TO EAT THE SUPPER
THAT HE’S CERTAIN TO REGRET,
HE’S NEVER GONNA MAKE IT,
MARQUESA
DRINK! DRINK!
DRINK! DRINK!
ALL
DRINK! DRINK!
DRINK! DRINK!
BARONESS & MARQUESA
BUT HE’S NOT DEAD YET.
BARONESS
CHILLED BELUGA CAVIAR
AND BORSHT WITH LOTS OF SOUR CREAM.
SIDES OF BEEF WITH SWEET PAPRIKA,
THIS WAS TIME TO HATCH THE SCHEME!
DUCHESS & OWNER
NOW IS TIME TO HATCH THIS SCHEME!
BARONESS
SEE HIM EAT WITH GREAT ABANDON,
HOW HE BELCHES WHEN HE’S DONE.
YUSUPOV THEN GIVES THE POISON!
DUCHESS & OWNER
WHAT ABOUT THE RUSSIAN NUN?
BARONESS
LATER WITH THIS RUSSIAN NUN!
RASPUTIN TOOK THE POISON
BUT THE POISON DID NOT TAKE.
YUSUPOV DISCOVERED THAT HE’D
MADE A BIG MISTAKE.
AND LISTENING TO HIS HIRED
RIMSKY-KORSIKOV QUINTET.
PRINCE FELIX SHOOTS RASPUTIN
JUST TO HEDGE HIS BET
MARQUESA
BUT I WOULDN’T BET YET-
NO, I WOULDN’T BET YET-
BARONESS
NOW RASPUTIN DAZED AND FADING
FALLS UPON THE BEARSKIN RUG,
GRIPPING AT HIS GAPING WOUND
AND FISHING FOR THE BLOODY SLUG-
MARQUESA, DUCHESS & OWNER
FISHING FOR THE BLOODY SLUG!
BARONESS
YUSUPOV HAD FINALLY DONE IT,
HE SUCCEEDED ALL ALONE.
WITH THE MURDER OF RASPUTIN,
HE HAD SAVED THE FAMILY THONE!
MARQUESA, DUCHESS & OWNER
ROMANOV’S WOULD KEEP THE THRONE!
BARONESS
THEN ALL AT ONCE IT SEEMED
THE HOUNDS OF HELL HAD BEEN RELEASED!
RASPUTIN SPRUNG TO LIFE AGAIN
AND BELLOWED LIKE A BEAST,
HE HURLED HIMSELF AT YUSUPOV
AND TOOK HIM BY THE NECK AND SAID:
BARONESS
RUN, RASPUTIN,
RUN!
ALL THREE
RUN, RASPUTIN,
RUN!
MARQUESA
“YOU’VE TRIED TO KILL ME TWICE NOW
AND I’M NOT DEAD YET!
(Bellows)
NO, I’M NOT DEAD YET,
I’VE GOT SECONDS,
I’VE GOT MINUTES,
HEY, I’VE EVEN GOT SOME TIME TO SPA-A-A-RE
NO, I’M NOT DEAD YET,
I’VE GOT MAYBE HALF AN HOUR
I MAY HAVE TIME TO WASH MY GREASY HA-A-A-IR.
FOR I’M THE KIND OF MURDERED MAN
YOU NEVER WILL FORGET,
THE KIND YOU TRY TO KILL AND STILL
HE’S NOT DEAD YET
NYET, NYET, NYET, NYET!
BARONESS
But hiding behind the drapes was Prince Felix’ “close companion”—you figure it out— Dimitrii Pavlovitch.
GRIGORY RASPUTIN NOW
WAS VERY SQUARELY ON HIS FEET.
BOUNDING TOWARDS THE CELLAR DOOR
IN HOPE OF MAKING SAFE RETREAT.
MARQUESA
NOW IS TIME TO MAKE RETREAT!
BARONESS
FELIX CRIED:
MARQUESA
“DIMITRII HELP ME!
RUN PAVLOVITCH, GET YOUR GUN-“
BARONESS
THEN DIMITRII SHOT RASPUTIN-
DUCHESS & OWNER
WHAT ABOUT THAT RUSSIAN NUN?
BARONESS & MARQUESA
ENOUGH ABOUT THIS RUSSIAN NUN!
BARONESS
THEN THEY RAN INTO THE COURTYARD
AS HE STAGGERED THROUGH THE SNOW.
DIMITRII SHOT HIM ONCE AGAIN
WAS THIS THE FINAL BLOW?
HE TEETERED TOWARD THE RIVER
LIKE A DIZZY, DRUNKEN LETT.
THE RIVER SOON WOULD TAKE HIM
BUT HE’S NOT WET YET
MARQUESA
NYET, NYET, NYET,
NO, I’M NOT WET YET!
BARONESS
WHEN RASPUTIN FINALLY FELL
IT MUST HAVE COME AS NO SURPRISE,
BUT WHEN THEY WENT TO MOVE THE CORPSE,
MARQUESA
AGAIN HE OPENED UP HIS EYES!
DUCHESS & OWNER
ALWAYS IT INTENSIFIES!
BARONESS
WHO COULD GUESS THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN?
LET’S REVIEW AND NOT FORGET:
POISON AND A VEIL OF BULLETS,
AND THIS MAN IS NOT DEAD YET?
MARQUESA, DUCHESS & OWNER
NO, THIS MAN IS NOT DEAD YET!
BARONESS
THEY DROWNED HIM IN THE RIVER
WHERE HE TOOK HIS FINAL BREATH,
AND GRIGORY RASPUTIN
AFTER ALL HAD MET HIS DEATH
MARQUESA
IN RETROSPECT I INTERJECT IF HE WAS SUCH A THREAT,
THEY COULD HAVE KILLED HIM SOONER
WITH THE GAME ROULETTE!
BARONESS & MARQUESA
DRRET, DRRET, CLICK! DRRET-
CLICK, DRRET, BANG!
BARONESS
GATHERED IN SAINT FEODOR’S
THEY PLACED HIS COFFIN IN A CRYPT.
THERE THEY EULOGIZED RASPUTIN,
READING FROM CYRILLIC SCRIPT-
MARQUESA, DUCHESS & OWNER
GOD, I LOVE CYRILLIC SCRIPT!
BARONESS
NOW SO ENDS THIS TRAGIC SAGA
OF THE TALE THAT I’VE BEGUN,
NOW IT’S TIME TO DRINK SOME VODKA-
DUCHESS, OWNER, WIFE & PIANO PLAYER
WHAT ABOUT THE RUSSIAN NUN?
BARONESS
Okay, so I lied. There is no Russian nun. (BARONESS & MARQUESA dissolve into laughter)
DUCHESS, OWNER, WIFE & PIANO PLAYER
WHAT! NO NUN! How could you?
BARONESS
They are always so disappointed—
THE REASON THAT YOU LISTEN
TO THE TALE THAT WE JUST SPUN,
IS THE WAITING FOR RASPUTIN
BARONESS & MARQUESA
JUST TO SCHTUP THAT RUSSIAN NUN.
BARONESS
It was all over your faces!
BARONESS & MARQUESA
THE TITLE OF THE STORY
MAKES THE TELLING MUCH MORE FUN.
BARONESS
SO, NOW I END THE SAGA OF
RASPUTIN AND THE RUSSIAN NUN!
MARQUESA
NOW YOU KNOW TO STOP THE STORY
NO, THERE IS NO RUSSIAN NUN!”
Fourth Award Recipient: PHOEBE KREUTZ - June 2018
Please visit her website www.therealphoebekreutz.com
"ELISHA'S PRAYER"
From the musical "Holy Crap: The Worst Parts of the Bible"
Lyrics by Phoebe Kreutz
Music by Daniel Israel
When some disrespectful children harass the prophet Elisha, he makes an unusual request.
ELISHA
GOD, I HOPE THAT YOU CAN HEAR ME PRAYING
I KNOW YOU'VE GOT MANY PROBLEMS WEIGHING
BUT PERHAPS YOU NOTICED WHILE SURVEYING...
THAT ON THE ROAD FROM BETHEL
JUST TWENTY MINUTES BACK
I SUFFERED FROM SOME SNOT-NOSED KIDS
A PERSONAL ATTACK
ALONG THE ROAD THEY FOLLOWED
AND THROUGH THE TREES THEY CALLED
"HEY, MISTER! MISTER PROPHET!
HEY, BALDY! GUY WHO'S BALD!"
NOW I'M A SIMPLE FELLOW AND I CAN TAKE A TAUNT
BUT NOW I'VE GOT ONE TINY THING I WANT
SO
GOD
PLEASE
I WANT THEM CRUSHED
I WANT THEM BLEEDING
THEM AND THEIR PRECIOUS HAIR
I WANT THEM LOW,
HUMBLED AND PLEADING
MAULED BY AN ANGRY BEAR
SEND DOWN ONE BEAR
THREE WOULD BE AMPLE
TWO BEARS WOULD GET IT DONE
KIDS NEED RESPECT
SET AN EXAMPLE:
HERE'S WHAT THEY GET FROM MAKING FUN.
THERE'S NOTHING FUN
THERE'S NOTHING FUN ABOUT A BLOODBATH
YOU KNOW YOU LOVE A BLOODBATH
LETS SHOW THOSE LITTLE BRATS WHAT YOU CAN DO
THEY'RE CHILDREN.
WHO REALLY MISSES CHILDREN?
A SMALL REWARD FOR ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU
I'VE BEEN YOUR MAN
I'VE BEEN YOUR PROPHET
NO GREATER JOY HAVE I
I HAVE A HEAD
MY HAIR FELL OFF IT
I NEVER ASKED YOU WHY...
YOU LEFT ME NAKED AS A PEAR
WITHOUT A FOLICLE TO SPARE
YOU LET THE CHILDREN POINT AND STARE
I TELL YOU, GOD, IT ISN'T FAIR
SO WHY NOT GRANT MY MODEST PRAYER
AND SEND ME DOWN ONE LOUSY BEAR
MAYBE TWO BEARS
"CLOSE YOUR EYES"
From the musical "Holy Crap: The Worst Parts of the Bible"
Lyrics by Phoebe Kreutz
Music by Daniel Israel
After God destroys the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah,
only Lot and his two teenage daughters survive.
While Lot naps, his girls discuss their options.
NOTE: This, like everything in the show, is a real story from the Bible.
ONE
GOD JUST INCINERATED EV'RYONE ON EARTH
AND, YES, I KNOW YOU FEEL A BIT BEREFT
BUT IT'S UP TO YOU AND ME
TO REFILL THE WORLD WITH PEOPLE
AND WE'LL USE THE ONLY MAN THAT WE'VE GOT LEFT
TWO
Wait. What?
ONE
You heard me.
TWO
Him?
ONE
It won't be so bad. Here's what you do:
CLOSE YOUR EYES
TWO
What?
ONE
JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES
TWO
That's your strategy?
ONE
AND THINK OF DAD AS JUST A GUY LIKE OTHER GUYS
IMAGINE YOU'RE A FILLY BEING MATED TO
A STALLION THAT YOU'RE IN NO WAY RELATED TO
CLOSE YOUR EYES
CLOSE 'EM TIGHT
OR YOU'LL SEE SOME STUFF THAT'S GONNA KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT
THINK OF FLOWERS OPENING
THINK OF ALMOST ANYTHING
BUT PLEASE
CLOSE YOUR EYES
TWO
No. Absolutely not. There's got to be another option.
ONE
Look around! It was an apocalypse. There's no one else!
WE WERE SAVED
IT'S NOT OUR FAULT
THAT EVERYBODY'S DEAD AND MOM'S A BLOCK OF SALT
THE LORD HAS CLEARLY MADE A HIGHER PLAN FOR US
TWO
HE JUST FORGOT TO LEAVE AN EXTRA MAN FOR US
ONE
DAD'S A MAN
THEY'RE ALL THE SAME
AND AT LEAST THIS WAY YOU GET TO KEEP YOUR MAIDEN NAME
NINE MONTHS LATER YOU WILL SEE
KIDS AS CUTE AS YOU AND ME
TIL THEN
CLOSE YOUR EYES
TWO
THIS THING THAT YOU'RE SUGGESTING
WELL, IT'S BASIC'LY MOLESTING
AND THAT'S SOMETHING YOU KNOW DAD WOULD NEVER DO
ONE
WELL, YOU KNOW WHEN DAD'S BEEN DRINKING
HOW HE DOES THINGS WITHOUT THINKING
NOW THE THING THAT HE'LL BE DOING, GIRL, IS YOU
SO I KNOW IT WON'T BE EASY
TWO
OH, MY GOD, I'M FEELING QUEASY
ONE
BUT IT'S UP TO US, OUR PRIVATE PARTS AND GLANDS
THERE'S NO TIME FOR BEING SNOOTY
WHEN WE'VE GOT A MORAL DUTY
AND THE FATE OF HUMANKIND IS IN OUR HANDS
TWO
IT'S IN OUR HANDS
ONE
That's right!
BOTH
THE FATE OF HUMANKIND IS IN OUR HANDS
SO WE WILL
ONE
CLOSE OUR EYES
TWO(overlapping)
I'LL CLOSE MY EYES
ONE AND TWO
WE'LL CLOSE OUR EYES
ONE
THE LAST TWO EGGS ON EARTH ARE HIS TO FERTILIZE
TWO
I GUESS IT WOULD BE SELFISH NOT TO COPULATE
ONE
IT'S TIME TO PUT THE POP BACK IN REPOPULATE
CLOSE 'EM QUICK
AND KEEP 'EM SHUT
TWO
OR I'LL END UP FACE TO FACE WITH, GOSH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
BOTH
AND AS GENERATIONS GROW
THEY WILL NEVER NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT OUR...COMPROMISE
TWO
I HAVE GOT TO PLAY MY PART
OPEN UP MY LEGS AND HEART
BOTH
BUT PLEASE CLOSE YOUR EYES
Third Award Recipient: LAURA KLEINBAUM - June 2017
Please visit her website www.laurakleinbaum.com
THAT’S A DAY FOR ME
From the musical #MARS
Book and Lyrics by Laura Kleinbaum
Music by Willem Oosthuysen
When 79-year-old Lenny is asked
why he wants to go to Mars, he sings.
LENNY
YOU’RE YOUNG
I’M SURE THE THOUGHT
HAS NEVER CROSSED YOUR MIND
THE WAY THE CYCLE OF OUR LIVES
HAS BEEN DESIGNED
WHEN YOU GET OLD, THAT LIFE
IS PRETTY MUCH CONFINED
TO THE BARKA LOUNGER WHERE YOU ARE
PERPETUALLY RECLINED
WATCHING RERUNS
A YELLOWED WEDDING ALBUM
SOME COLLECTED ART
HER JEWELRY, WHICH I HAVEN’T MOVED
MY PURPLE HEART
AN APARTMENT FULL OF RELICS OF THE PAST
AND AN OLD MAN BUMBLING THROUGH IT
THINKING, “SHIT, IT WENT SO FAST.”
AND THAT’S A DAY FOR ME
A PRILOSEC WITH BREAKFAST
THEN LISINOPRIL
AND THEN I READ THE TIMES
AND TAKE MY WATER PILL
THEN A NAP AND BABY ASPERIN WITH MY TEA
DO SUDOKO, TAKE MY FLOMAX,
CATCH THE YANKEES ON TV
AND THAT’S A DAY FOR ME
I USED TO USE MY PHD’S FOR PROVING THEOREMS
I USED TO LAUGH UNTIL THE SUNRISE WITH MY WIFE
I USED TO WAKE UP AND CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY
I USED TO LIVE MY LIFE!
TIME IS MY REMINDER
THAT IT’S ALL BEEN SAID AND DONE
I CLOSE MY EYES
AND PLAY THE RERUNS
A PRILOSEC WITH BREAKFAST
THEN LISCINOPRIL
AND THEN I READ THE TIMES
AND TAKE MY WATER PILL
‘TIL THE DAY THIS MISSION JUMPED RIGHT OFF THE PAGE
AND I WONDERED,
“IS IT POSSIBLE THEY’D TAKE SOMEONE MY AGE?”
I MIGHT BE PUSHING EIGHTY,
BUT I’VE GOT THE EXPERTISE--
THE ASTROPHYSICS
AND APPLIED MATHMATICS PHD’S
I CAN CALCULATE THE SPEED AT WHICH
A PARTICLE OF GAS
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH A SYSTEM
TOWARD A PLANETARY MASS
AND ALL OF THAT IS WASTED
WHILE I’M SITTING ON MY ASS
So I applied.
IT’S MUCH MORE THAN
SOME TRAINING AND COMPANIONSHIP
IT’S MUCH MORE THAN THE MISSION
OR A ONE-WAY TRIP
IT’S THE GIFT OF LIFE AND TIME
AND ONE MORE CHANCE
IT’S WAKING WITH A PURPOSE
AND THE NEED TO PUT ON PANTS
YES, EVERY SINGLE DAY
I’LL PUT ON PANTS
I’LL PUT ON PANTS
NOW THAT’S A DAY FOR ME
NOW THAT’S A DAY FOR ME
NOW THAT’S A LIFE
WITH NO TIME FOR WATCHING RERUNS
GOTTA GO
From the musical #MARS
Book and Lyrics by Laura Kleinbaum
Music by Willem Oosthuysen
When 18-year-old Aimee Ashleigh is accepted on the reality show #MARS, she has reservations about leaving her mom—Pamela—has a different outlook.
PAMELA
I’M A LOSER THROUGH AND THROUGH
IT’S FINE—I’M NOT EMBARRASSED
KNOW WHO’S NOT A LOSER? YOU
BUT TRUST ME, THAT CAN CHANGE
YOU’RE YOUNG AND HOT AND THEN YOU’RE NOT
THINKING, “WOO, TIME FLEW.”
(spoken)
Come here. Listen to Mommy.
LEAVE! THE FIRST CHANCE YOU GOT
OR YOU’LL BE A LOSER TOO
AIMEE ASHLEIGH
You’re not a loos—
PAMELA
I RAISED YOU UP FROM MY TEENS
ON SPAM AND CAMPBELL'S PORK N' BEANS
IN THIS RUSTY DOUBLE-WIDE
YOU COULDN’T HAVE FANCY THINGS
LIKE FERRETS OR A YARD WITH SWINGS
THIS WAS ALL I COULD PROVIDE
BUT YOU HAVE MORE TO LEARN AND GIVE
YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS PLACE WE LIVE
MY SWEET BABY ANGEL, YOU GOTTA GO
AIMEE
I can do good things here...
PAMELA
YOU’RE FULL OF HOPE AND WHIP-SMART
YOU’RE SUNSHINE WITH A GREAT BIG HEART
THIS TOWN WILL BEAT THAT ALL TO SHIT
THERE’S NO ONE PAYING FOR SCHOOL
YOU GROW UP HERE AND FATE IS CRUEL
THAT’S YOUR LIFE, BABE-- THIS IS IT
IT’SHICKS IN PICK-UPS SHOOTIN’ SQUIRRELS
AND DANCIN’ DOWN AT LIVE, NUDE, GIRLS
MY SWEET BABY ANGEL, YOU GOTTA GO
AIMEE
There are other places to go besides Mars.
PAMELA
YOU CAN HOP A GREYHOUND
WITH YOUR SHIT STUFFED IN A SACK
BUT THIS TOWN IS LIKE A MONSTER
WHO'LL DRAG YOUR ASS RIGHT BACK
I'VE SEEN PEOPLE THINK THEY BUSTED OUT
AND BEAT THE BEAST.
THEN THEY COME BACK TO SEE THEIR MOM
OR SELL THEIR GUNSOR GET RELEASED
FROM PRISON
AIMEE ASHLEIGH
I KNOW.
PAMELA
And nobody leaves twice.
IF YOU TRY TO LEAVE LIKE THEM
YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST STAY
OR LEAVE THE PLANET,ON A ROCKET, ON A TRIP
THAT ONLY GOES ONE WAY
THE POINT I’M MAKING REMAINS
WHITE TRASH IS COURSING THROUGH YOUR VEINS
AND KIDS LIKE YOU DON'T CATCH A BREAK
BUT THERE’S A BREAK HERE—HELLO!
SO GRAB IT BY THE BALLS AND GO
THIS IS YOUR ONE SHOT TO TAKE
SO DON’T LOOK BACK--REACH FOR THE SKIES
THERE’S SO MUCH MORE THAN WAFFLE FRIES
MY SWEET BABY ANGEL
I KNOW YOU AND
WHAT’S RUNNIN’ THROUGH THAT HEAD—I SEE
YOU’RE CONTEMPLATING STAYING BACK HERE
JUST FOR ME
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD KNOW
AND MORE THAN I COULD SAY
SO I’LL BE CRYING IF YOU GO
BUT CRYING HARDER IF YOU STAY
AIMEE ASHLEIGH
Are you sure?
PAMELA
I’m sure I want you to do anything
and everything that will make you happy.
AIMEE ASHLIGH
Because I really want to do it,
but I feel like it’s just not for people like me.
PAMELA
You deserve it if you want it. And you need to start thinking
that way, because I won’t be there to do it for you.
They hug. While they’re hugging:
AIMEE ASHLEIGH
OK
PAMELA
OK
AIMEE ASHLIGH/PAMELA
OK
PAMELA
MY BABY GIRL’S GOIN’ TO SPACE
AIMEE ASHLIGH
TEN LIGHTYEARS FROM POTATO PLACE
PAMELA
THE FUTURE’S NOW
AIMEE ASHLIGH
AND IT’S MINE!
HERE GOES--I’M TAKING MY SHOT
PAMELA
I FRICKIN RAISED AN ASTRONAUT
PAMELA/AIMEE ASHLEIGH
WHO’S NEVER CROSSED THE COUNTY LINE
AIMEE ASHLIGH
THIS IS MY CALLING AND I’M SURE
PAMELA
I’M MAKING SURE YOU’RE NICELY DRESSED
AIMEE ASHLIGH
ON MARS I WON’T BE SUPER POOR
PAMELA
I’LL PACK YOUR TUBE TOP AND JEAN VEST
PAMELA/AIMEE
(simultaneous chatter)
(PAMELA)This is amazing. I can’t wait to tell the girls at the salon. I’m gonna make t-shirts that say Aimee Ashleigh is my daughter. I’m gonna sell pins and hats and posters. People are going to be so proud of you. You’re representing this entire dump of a town. You’re a hero. You can bring my suitcase too. Ooh, I’m gonna do your hair before you go.
(AIMEE)Oh my god, I have to quit my job! This is so much better than being a manager, not that I ever got that job, but this is better. What should I bring? Do you think the other people will be nice? Do you think they’re all from small towns? This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened. To me or to anyone I know!
PAMELA/AIMEE AIMEE
GOODBYE MINNESOTA
AIMEE ASHLIGH
I GOTTA GO
Second Award Recipient: MARY LIZ MCNAMARA - June 2016
Three of Mary's award-winning lyrics appear below. And please visit her website www.marylizmcnamara.com
PAY ATTENTION, VERONICA
from
The Good Girl
Music and Lyrics by Mary Liz McNamara
Terry, a middle-school math teacher, returns to her classroom after staying home a few weeks to care for her recently-widowed, and increasingly difficult, father.
TERRY:
Ok. We’ve got a lot to cover today people, so----
CLASS. Does everyone have a sharpened pencil?
CLASS. Everyone take out a clean piece of...
CLASS, Shhhh
EVERYONE NEEDS TO SIT DOWN
AND LISTEN TO ME
TAKE OUT YOUR TEXTBOOKS AND
OPEN TO PAGE TWENTY-THREE
PAY ATTENTION, VERONICA
CLASS. Shhh.
AS YOU KNOW, WE’LL BE HAVING
A TEST
Not a quiz
It’s a test
ON MONDAY, BUT BEFORE
WE BEGIN, I WANT ALL EYES TO BE
BE UP HERE ON ME
ALL EYES SHOULD BE UP HERE ON ME
I’M GOING TO COUNT UP TO THREE
ONE. TWO.
Two and a half. Veronica.
THREE
Good. Problem one.
TWO TRAINS EACH LEAVE
FROM TOPEKA PRECISELY AT NINE,
BUT TRAIN A GOES AT DOUBLE THE SPEED.
IF THE SLOWER TRAIN – B –
GETS TO DALLAS AT NINE,
IS THE SPEED OF THE FASTER – WAYNE!
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
Didn’t you just go? OK. OK. Remember what I said about too much information.
OKAY, WHO’S GOT THE HALL PASS?
SO, CLASS.
READ THE REST OF THE PROBLEM YOURSELVES.
DUANE, GIVE WAYNE THE HALL PASS.
THEN CHOOSE ANSWER A, B OR C.
OR NONE OF THE ABOVE, ANSWER D.
OR J, K, L, M, N, O, P.
JUST WRITE SOMETHING, VERONICA.
WHEN YOU’RE FINISHED I NEED
ALL YOUR EYES UP ON ME
CHILDREN, LOOK AT ME
WHEN YOU’RE DONE WITH THE FIRST ONE
WE’LL DO PROBLEM TWO
THEN PROBLEM THREE
THEN PROBLEM FOUR
THEN TWELVE BILLION MORE
WELCOME TO LIFE
PROBLEMS GALORE
JUST LOOK AT ME
Good. Next problem.
SOON-YI IS SIGNED UP FOR
SLEEP-AWAY CAMP BUT SHE’S
NERVOUS. HER CAMP IS A
LONG WAY AWAY FROM HER
MOTHER WHO BOUGHT HER A
CELLPHONE. DETERMINE THE
COST OF THE CELL –
JOANIE, WHAT DID YOU SAY?
What did she say? Soon-Yi is not a dumb-ass. Missing your mother does not make you a dumb-ass, believe me. OK? OK?
AND PLEASE DON’T SAY
DUMBASS IN CLASS.
OKAY, ASS. I MEAN, CLASS.
SHIT. NO, SHOOT.
I MEAN, PAY ATTENTION, CLASS.
THEN CHOOSE ANSWER A, B OR C.
OR NONE OF THE ABOVE, ANSWER D.
THEN ALL EYES SHOULD BE UP ON ME
PAY ATTENTION, VERONICA!!!!!!!!!!
THE GOOD GIRL
from
The Good Girl
Music and Lyrics by Mary Liz McNamara
Evelyn, newly-dead but still kicking in the great beyond
(which happens to be a jazz club up there somewhere),
watches her middle-aged daughter muddle through life
without her.
EVELYN:
ALWAYS THE GOOD GIRL
FOREVER THE GOOD GIRL
SETTING THE TABLE, CLEARING THE DISHES
AND SAYING YOUR PRAYERS
NEVER COMPLAINING
PATIENT AND QUIET AND SWEET
ALWAYS THE GOOD GIRL
WHAT GOOD DID IT DO YOU?
BEING THE GOOD ONE
STAYING BEHIND
TO CLEAN UP THE MESS
AND SETTLE FOR LESS
WHAT GOOD IS IT NOW, DEAR?
SITTING AT NIGHT ALL ALONE
BEING THE GOOD GIRL
MOTHERS DO TERRIBLE THINGS
KISSING AND COOING
AND CLIPPING THE WINGS
OF THE ONE THEY LOVE BEST
KEEPING THAT ONE IN THE NEST
KEEPING THE GOOD ONE
THE GOOD GIRL
SWEETHEART, FORGIVE ME
HEAVEN IS BRIMMING
FILLED UP WITH GOOD GIRLS
AND EACH OF THE GOOD GIRLS IN HEAVEN
IS FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH REGRET
SPREAD YOUR WINGS NOW
AND FLY AWAY
DON’T WAIT ‘TIL YOU’RE READY
DON’T WAIT FOR THE RIGHT TIME
DON’T WAIT ‘TIL TOMORROW
TODAY
TODAY
TODAY
I CAN DO THAT
from
Body and Soul
Music and Lyrics by Mary Liz McNamara
Diana, a woman with Down syndrome, is the personal care assistant for her friend, Kathy, who has severe cerebral palsy.
They live together in a small home, and Diana is set to drive, on a snowy night, to the grocery store to shop for dinner.
I CAN DO THAT
NO PROBLEM
WEAR MY COAT AND MY NEW HAT
MY BLUE HAT
THAT’S MY NEW HAT
I COULD DO THAT
NO BIG DEAL
I CAN DO THAT
PIECE OF CAKE
HEY YOU WANNA CAKE
I CAN MAKE IT
‘CAUSE IT’S NOT SO HARD
TO MAKE IT
ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS BAKE IT
I CAN DO THAT
NO BIG DEAL
I CAN DO THAT
OR I CAN MAKE A PIE!
THAT’S A LIE
I CAN’T DO THAT
IT’S TOO HARD
THAT CRUST
I CAN’T DO THAT
BUT I COULD BUY A PIE
I COULD DO THAT
THEY GOT LEMON, CHERRY
AND SOMETIMES EVEN BLUEBERRY
And I love that, Kathy, it’s so good!
IF YOU WANT A PIE
I COULD BUY A PIE
I COULD DO THAT
THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT, KATHY
THINKIN’
AND FIGURING STUFF OUT
AND I’M GOOD AT THAT
I’M PRETTY GOOD AT THAT
I’m not bragging, Kathy. I’m just saying. Kathy, I’m just saying.
THERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN’T DO
LIKE YOU CAN’T TAKE A BATH
THERE ARE THINGS I CAN’T DO
LIKE MATH
I CAN’T DO THAT
SUBTRACTING
NO WAY
I CAN’T DO THAT
BUT THAT’S OKAY
‘CAUSE YOU CAN DO THAT
YOU WENT TO COLLEGE
SO YOU CAN DO THAT
SEE
SO WE CAN DO THAT
YOU AND ME
WE CAN DO THAT
THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT
YOU’N’ME, FIGURING STUFF OUT
AND WE’RE GOOD AT THAT
WE’RE REALLY GOOD AT THAT
So, I’ve been thinking about DC. Ok? Would you just listen, for once?
YOU CAN FIGURE OUT THE TRAIN
HOW MUCH IT COSTS
THERE AND BACK
AND I CAN
PACK!
WE CAN DO THAT
YOU CAN ME
GO TO WASHINGTON DC
WE
YOU AND ME, KATHY
YOU AND ME
WE CAN DO THAT!
First Award Recipient: RAYMOND BOKHOUR - June 2015
Two of Ray's award-winning lyrics appear below. And please visit his website www.raymondbokhour.com
THINGS WILL BE EASY
from
The Suicide: A Musical Comedy
Lyrics by Raymond Bokhour
Music by Simon Gray
Book by David Bridel
CAN YOU SEE HIM NOW
WHEN HE STUMBLES IN?
NO MORE FURROWED BROW
JUST HIS DOPEY GRIN
HE’LL BE GOOD AND TIRED
HE’LL BE UNINSPIRED
AND THANK GOD FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS
THINGS WILL BE EASY
HE’LL COME THROUGH THE DOOR
JUST LIKE PEOPLE DO
TUCKERED OUT AND SORE
GLAD THE DAY IS THROUGH
AND SO AWFULLY WEAK
THAT HE'LL HARDLY SPEAK
SAY GOODBYE TO THE TANTRUMS AND TEARS
THINGS WILL BE EASY
HE’LL COME HOME
WITH A SMALL SACK OF GROCERIES
READ THE NEWS A BIT, CURSE THE RAIN
OH HOW DELICIOUSLY TEDIOUS
MEANINGLESS, MINDLESS, AND SANE
AFTER SUGAR TEA
AFTER RAISIN BREAD
HE WILL LOOK AT ME
AND SAY “TIME FOR BED”
AND WITHOUT A PEEP
WE’LL DRIFT OFF TO SLEEP
HOW SUBLIME WHEN THE WORLD DISAPPEARS
THINGS WILL BE EASY
IN THE EARLY HOURS
JUST BEFORE THE DAWN
WE’LL TAKE LUKEWARM SHOWERS
AND WE’LL SHARE A YAWN
I’ll SAY “TIME TO GO”
HE’LL SAY “YES I KNOW”
AND WE’LL FLY THROUGH THE DISHWATER DAY
THINGS WILL BE EASY
MAYBE NOW
WHEN I SLAVE AT THAT FACTORY
I CAN BREATHE A BIT, EVEN SMILE
OH DO I DARE BE MYSELF AGAIN
EVEN JUST ONCE IN A WHILE?
IT’S BEEN AWFULLY HARD
I’LL ADMIT IT NOW
WE WERE BADLY SCARRED
BUT CAME THROUGH SOMEHOW
AND I ONLY PRAY
THAT OUR LUCK WILL STAY
AND IF GOD LET’S ME HAVE IT MY WAY
THEN THE SKY WILL BE SLIGHTLY LESS GRAY
AND MY LOVE WILL COME HOME AND HE’LL SAY
“THINGS WILL BE EASY”
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
from
The Suicide: A Musical Comedy
Lyrics by Raymond Bokhour
Music by Simon Gray
Book by David Bridel
IF YOU OFFER ME A DUMPLING
AND YOUR VOICE IS SOFT AND GENUINE AND SWEET
I’LL EAT
IF YOU BOIL ME SOME CABBAGE
AND YOU WHISPER “MON AMOUR, BON APPETIT”
I’LL EAT
IF THE GREASY OLD HORS D’OEUVRE
YOU OBSEQUIOUSLY SERVE
WERE AT LEAST A LITTLE GREASED
WITH THE RESPECT THAT I DESERVE
WATCH THE DUMPLING AND THE CABBAGE
AND THE SAUSAGE DISAPPEAR
I’LL EAT ANYTHING YOU GIVE ME
IF THE GIVING IS SINCERE
BUT HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
I WON’T EAT MY DINNER ON MY KNEES
I WOULD RATHER UP AND DIE
THAN SWALLOW ALL YOUR HUMBLE PIE
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
NO ONE LIKES A CHIDING WITH THEIR CHEESE
LEAVE ME IF YOU WOULD
OR FEED ME LIKE YOU SHOULD
BUT HOLD THE PITY PUDDING IF YOU PLEASE
GIVE ME HALF A DIRTY TURNIP
OR A LOUSY LITTLE ROTTEN CHICKEN WING
I’M KING
GIVE ME YESTERDAY’S PIEROGI
OR A TINY BIT OF RANCID CAVIAR
I’M CZAR
GIVE ME MILK THAT’S HALFWAY TURNED
GIVE ME PORRIDGE THAT YOU BURNED
BUT THEN TOP IT WITH A DROP
OF THE RESPECT THAT I HAVE EARNED
THEN I’LL GLADLY EAT THE CRAP
YOU TRY TO PASS OFF AS CUISINE
I’M THE MOST OBLIGING HUSBAND
THAT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
BUT HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
I WON’T EAT MY DINNER ON MY KNEES
I REFUSE TO BOW AND SCRAPE
OR SUCK A SINGLE SOUR GRAPE
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
DON’T YOU BE SO PISSY WITH THE PEAS
LEAVE ME IF YOU WOULD
OR FEED ME LIKE YOU SHOULD
BUT HOLD THE PITY PUDDING IF YOU PLEASE
PLEASE—-
REMEMBER HOW IT WAS, MASHA
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE MY BLUSHING BRIDE
A SIMPLE LITTLE MEAL, MASHA
SEATED ON THE ROOFTOP SIDE BY SIDE
YOUR EYES WERE SO OPEN AND WIDE
I CRIED, MASHA, I CRIED
BUT I WAS A WORKER OF THE WORLD BACK THEN
NOW I’M JUST A SUCKER OUT OF WORK
A LOSER ALONG FOR THE RIDE
NO WONDER YOUR FAITH IN ME DIED
NO WONDER THAT THE SERVICE HERE HAS STARTED TO SLIDE
YOU SAY “LOOK AT ME, I WORK UNTIL I DROP
BUT SEMYON GO AHEAD AND EAT. MY TREAT!”
YOU SAY “SEMYON, HERE’S A PORTERHOUSE
I PURCHASED WITH MY BLOOD,
IT’S ALL FOR YOU! HAVE TWO!”
AND THERE’S NOTHING QUITE AS RICH
AS YOUR CHICKEN A LA BITCH
AND I’M WARNING YOU ONE MORNING
YOU MAY FIND ME IN A DITCH
CAUSE I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE
WITH ALL THE HINTS AND THE ASIDES
I WILL FINALLY TAKE MY VENGEANCE
ONCE THE NAUSEA SUBSIDES
BUT HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
CHOP IT UP AND FEED IT TO THE CAT
TRY TO SERVE IT IF YOU LIKE
BUT I’LL BE ON A HUNGER STRIKE
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
I CAN STOMACH ANYTHING BUT THAT
THROW ME OUT FOR GOOD
I KIND OF WISH YOU WOULD
OR HAVE A LOVE AFFAIR
CAUSE I DON’T EVEN CARE
FRY ME IN A VAT
OF BOILING CHICKEN FAT
OR MAKE ME SPEND ANOTHER
MINUTE WITH YOUR MOTHER
THROW ME DOWN A WELL
I'M HAPPY AS A CLAM
CAST ME INTO HELL AND
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
OR MAYBE I'LL JUST KILL MYSELF
AND PUT YOUR MIND AT EASE
BUT CARRY OUT MY DYING WISH
SPARE ME ALL THE LOAVES AND FISH
JUST HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
KEEP YOUR PRECIOUS PUDDING
HOLD YOUR SHITTY PITY PUDDING IF YOU PLEASE